Salam
I’m on this quest you see. This quest of becoming a better, more complete person. A better muslim, in essence. But then that’s a life long endeavor, isn’t it?
Here’s the thing, however, in trying to do so I’ve discovered that I’m very disappointed in myself. Not in the sense that I’m stupid enough to believe that I can wake up and be an insta-mutmin, but in that I’m really not that good of a person. There are just certain things about me that are horrible, and black. They stain my heart and keep me away from being a pure and complete person. Keep in mind, I’m not striving for perfection.
What goes around, comes around.
It’s probably true, which makes me seriously wonder if by the end of my time if I’ll have any friends left. You see, I’m really superb at making friends; I’m horrible though at keeping them. And so because I’m good at making them, they tend to add up and then…well, and then I can’t keep up and I just end up loosing touch with people who have been there a lot for me. I have lost touch with a lot of my very close, and important friends.
My twin, for example. I haven’t spoken to her in such a long time, and equally I haven’t seen her or her beautiful daughter in at least a good six months…save for perhaps a short five minute visit in which we exchanged gifts (which were awesome by the way). Since then we haven’t seen much of each other. Like I said, I can easily get side tracked and then pow…I feel like crap, but there are only so many times I can apologize for being a shit head before it doesn’t matter to them anyway. Until it’s just words to them.
“Oh, she always does that.”
And I do. See I know that. And they may not say anything, but I know they’re disappointed in me.
My cubanita is another chica I’ve lost constant contact with. Which again, really sucks because well…I love talking to her and chatting. She’s been there for so long. And I suck at e-mails, I am probably to worst e-mail contact person in the world, if you get an e-mail appreciate it because I do them but rarely.
The girl that rhymes with banana. I’m sorry, I know I’ve been “ugh” lately but well I tried explaining it. I can’t anymore, I’m sorry. Words are words, but they’re sincere. Just be patient with me, I’m a push over. And “The one who will not be mentioned by name on this blog” shouldn’t be an excuse.
The one who must not be mentioned…you have know idea. My intentions are and will remain pure. I’m not a ditcher…though I doubt you care.
But more then anything to the three first mentioned, I’ve known you the longest and so I feel worse about you because you deserve someone who will stick by your side and not be side tracked and feeling like they’re being pulled in a million directions.
I love you, and I just wanted you to know that.
Take care.
