A novelist. A bestseller novelist.
Either way I’ve always had this little dream that one day I’ll write a book. You know, kind of like I thought one day I’d be a world renowned gymnast (even though I could never do a cartwheel to save my life…or a somersault for that matter). Yes, much like that disillusioned dream, I have also wanted to write a book. Odd, isn’t it?
Well if you still believe in me, I’m truly flattered but I’d suggest your hope be placed in more sure things; like Martha Sterwart stocks.
Why you ask? Why would such a talented individual as myself ask you to turn away and shun my hopeless fantasies?
Well, shucks, I guess you’ve twisted my arm enough and that now I must let you in on the secret. On the very reason as to why I won’t aspire to be the next Meg Cabot, or Dan Brown –I won’t even touch Austen, Dickens, or Shakespeare because trust me in a hundred years from now, people will not be reading a Cabot or Brown book.
Anyway, onwards to the reason.
Well, really it’s quite an easy, logical reason. If you’ve ever known me long enough to have the privilege of hearing me recount a story, or summarize a novel or film, you’ll know that the last thing I should aspire to be is a “story teller” a.k.a author.
I just don’t have it folks; that suave way of hooking you with my wowing methods of retelling a specific event that has taken place in my quite ordinary life. Even if at the moment the story was bloody hilarious to me, myself, and I. In my mind, some of the most ridiculous things are funny, however at times I seem to forget that you and I may not share the same awesome wavelength, which inherently means we will also not find the same odd thing funny.
Yet, I still fail to listen to the 23 voices of reason in my head, which sadly all at once yell “PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALLAH DON’T TELL THEM THAT STORY!” Seriously, they yell! And not only does it leave that annoying ringing in your ears –as if you had just stupidly decided to sit by the speakers while Mr. T was giving a speech- but your head hurts too; in spite of all that you still ignore their warnings and go ahead and tell the story.
Why? It could be that you just had a whole pack of sour patch kids causing the sugar to boost your blood sugar which boosts your energy which oddly boosts your confidence (naturally I would not know this; I’m just giving you an educated guess). Or you may have just smacked yourself in the face, when you blindly walked in to the sign in the library that reads “This is a quiet place” (again this has never happened to me, but I know a friend of a friend.) Or, you might be so wigged out by "the whole three days till your final, the final that will define whether or not you get in to the program you want to get in to" that eventually that fuse that’s holding everything together decides to blow on you, and there goes all reasonable and logical thought processes (again, not me).
Anyway, whatever your reason, you still decide to go ahead and tell the story. Hey, I applaud your bravery (a.k.a I applaud the stupid side of me. Way to go!).
So you tell the story and one of three things takes place:
1) You’re laughing so hard at the pictures running through your mind, that your audience hasn’t the faintest idea what the heck you’re choking about. And once you get to the end and they don’t get it, you also begin to wonder what the HECK you were laughing so hard about. In other words, it really wasn’t funny and now you’ve totally shamed yourself as well as taken away any shred of respect they’ve just held for you and your state of mind.
If this happens, the ONLY thing you can do to save face is steel your spine, while saying “So yeah, did any of you see what happened in Iraq yesterday?” Steering the attention away from you on to way more important and serious issues always helps. They’ll merely forget about your stupidity because they’re all so peeved about the current world issues.
So way to go, you not only successfully placed your story telling methods on the chopping block but you also successfully depressed everyone. Gold Star!
2) The other scenario is that while you’re telling the story you completely butcher it by forgetting certain, pivotal parts of the story. These parts are always the fine lines that either make or break the story. And trust me, unless you’re a skilled story teller, you WILL forget these parts.
If this happens…well, I’ll be honest you’re screwed. Why? Because, YOU FORGOT WHAT MADE THE STORY A STORY. What are you going to do? Make something up? You can’t, they’ll know, because all of a sudden your story goes from this:
“So we were standing in line waiting to get our non-fat, no sugar, lactose free, chai lattes when all of a sudden this guy is like ‘So why the hell is there always such a stinking long line up?’”
At this point you’re looking at peoples faces (your audience) and nobody is smiling, actually everyone at this point is waiting for you to get to the climax.
You realize that there was no story, that in fact all you did was turn to the guy and gave him other coffee options. How is this a) funny, or b) thrilling. So instead you do this:
“‘So why the hell is there always such a stinking long line up?’ And then he pulled out a 22 and held it in the air, yelling at everyone to move out of the way. But I sooo wouldn’t let him cut in front of me. I mean, I’d been waiting a whole ten minutes by then, and if I have to wait for a healthy, chai fix then so should he. Seriously! So I looked him right in the eyes and I folded my arms over my chest and told him that he’d have to wait. When he threatened to blow my stupid head off, I took my taser gun out and shocked him! Then I kicked him in the balls, and everyone was cheering. And I just looked at them and was like ‘Aww, thanks. No one should cut in line, so stand up to bullies!’”
Trust me; people will know you’re lying between your gapped teeth. Don’t ask me how, they just can tell. They can see right through you, and in to your lying soul. It’s rather creepy actually. So don’t lie. It’s a sin anyway.
3) Lastly, if you are unable to summarize a story you will surely fail. No one will ever want to sit with you, or speak with you again. Things will be thrown at you; ANYTHING will be thrown at you. Sharp things even. Basically if you totally stink at paraphrasing, or summarizing just do us all a favor and never tell a story.
This is advice I give myself because I am one of those people. I can take a trip to the supermarket to get, I don’t know, tomatoes, and turn it in to an hour long rant about how retarded it is that they don’t have more cashiers on hand. Or, I’ll tell you EVERYTHING that happened while I was buying to the tomatoes.
“You see, I went in to the supermarket and the doors! Oh-my-gosh the doors, they just open for you. Isn’t that so cool? It’s like they can sense you or something! Anyway then I took a flyer, Heinz ketchup was on for 2.50$ a bottle. That’s such a bargain don’t you think? Then I took a green basket, because a cart is way to big to just get tomatoes. Then I saw that they had my favorite brand of shampoo on sale. I was so ecstatic..”
By this point half of my audience has ditched. In fact, I can see them running like hell and ducking behind book shelves. But like the smart person I am, I continue. Even though my good friends who’ll always stick by my side are staring in to space, or wearing the most “omg, get me the hell out of here” looks.
So you see this is how I’ve come to the clever and quite mature conclusion that I am simply not cut out for the world of novel writing. I’m not cut out for the world of telling stories, period.
I think this long update which really had no relevance is quite the example of my poor story telling skills.
I’m glad however that I could prove my point, and therefore persuade you to put your hope in other aspiring novelists.
The kind, who, you know, can actually do a cartwheel.
Salam
Either way I’ve always had this little dream that one day I’ll write a book. You know, kind of like I thought one day I’d be a world renowned gymnast (even though I could never do a cartwheel to save my life…or a somersault for that matter). Yes, much like that disillusioned dream, I have also wanted to write a book. Odd, isn’t it?
Well if you still believe in me, I’m truly flattered but I’d suggest your hope be placed in more sure things; like Martha Sterwart stocks.
Why you ask? Why would such a talented individual as myself ask you to turn away and shun my hopeless fantasies?
Well, shucks, I guess you’ve twisted my arm enough and that now I must let you in on the secret. On the very reason as to why I won’t aspire to be the next Meg Cabot, or Dan Brown –I won’t even touch Austen, Dickens, or Shakespeare because trust me in a hundred years from now, people will not be reading a Cabot or Brown book.
Anyway, onwards to the reason.
Well, really it’s quite an easy, logical reason. If you’ve ever known me long enough to have the privilege of hearing me recount a story, or summarize a novel or film, you’ll know that the last thing I should aspire to be is a “story teller” a.k.a author.
I just don’t have it folks; that suave way of hooking you with my wowing methods of retelling a specific event that has taken place in my quite ordinary life. Even if at the moment the story was bloody hilarious to me, myself, and I. In my mind, some of the most ridiculous things are funny, however at times I seem to forget that you and I may not share the same awesome wavelength, which inherently means we will also not find the same odd thing funny.
Yet, I still fail to listen to the 23 voices of reason in my head, which sadly all at once yell “PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALLAH DON’T TELL THEM THAT STORY!” Seriously, they yell! And not only does it leave that annoying ringing in your ears –as if you had just stupidly decided to sit by the speakers while Mr. T was giving a speech- but your head hurts too; in spite of all that you still ignore their warnings and go ahead and tell the story.
Why? It could be that you just had a whole pack of sour patch kids causing the sugar to boost your blood sugar which boosts your energy which oddly boosts your confidence (naturally I would not know this; I’m just giving you an educated guess). Or you may have just smacked yourself in the face, when you blindly walked in to the sign in the library that reads “This is a quiet place” (again this has never happened to me, but I know a friend of a friend.) Or, you might be so wigged out by "the whole three days till your final, the final that will define whether or not you get in to the program you want to get in to" that eventually that fuse that’s holding everything together decides to blow on you, and there goes all reasonable and logical thought processes (again, not me).
Anyway, whatever your reason, you still decide to go ahead and tell the story. Hey, I applaud your bravery (a.k.a I applaud the stupid side of me. Way to go!).
So you tell the story and one of three things takes place:
1) You’re laughing so hard at the pictures running through your mind, that your audience hasn’t the faintest idea what the heck you’re choking about. And once you get to the end and they don’t get it, you also begin to wonder what the HECK you were laughing so hard about. In other words, it really wasn’t funny and now you’ve totally shamed yourself as well as taken away any shred of respect they’ve just held for you and your state of mind.
If this happens, the ONLY thing you can do to save face is steel your spine, while saying “So yeah, did any of you see what happened in Iraq yesterday?” Steering the attention away from you on to way more important and serious issues always helps. They’ll merely forget about your stupidity because they’re all so peeved about the current world issues.
So way to go, you not only successfully placed your story telling methods on the chopping block but you also successfully depressed everyone. Gold Star!
2) The other scenario is that while you’re telling the story you completely butcher it by forgetting certain, pivotal parts of the story. These parts are always the fine lines that either make or break the story. And trust me, unless you’re a skilled story teller, you WILL forget these parts.
If this happens…well, I’ll be honest you’re screwed. Why? Because, YOU FORGOT WHAT MADE THE STORY A STORY. What are you going to do? Make something up? You can’t, they’ll know, because all of a sudden your story goes from this:
“So we were standing in line waiting to get our non-fat, no sugar, lactose free, chai lattes when all of a sudden this guy is like ‘So why the hell is there always such a stinking long line up?’”
At this point you’re looking at peoples faces (your audience) and nobody is smiling, actually everyone at this point is waiting for you to get to the climax.
You realize that there was no story, that in fact all you did was turn to the guy and gave him other coffee options. How is this a) funny, or b) thrilling. So instead you do this:
“‘So why the hell is there always such a stinking long line up?’ And then he pulled out a 22 and held it in the air, yelling at everyone to move out of the way. But I sooo wouldn’t let him cut in front of me. I mean, I’d been waiting a whole ten minutes by then, and if I have to wait for a healthy, chai fix then so should he. Seriously! So I looked him right in the eyes and I folded my arms over my chest and told him that he’d have to wait. When he threatened to blow my stupid head off, I took my taser gun out and shocked him! Then I kicked him in the balls, and everyone was cheering. And I just looked at them and was like ‘Aww, thanks. No one should cut in line, so stand up to bullies!’”
Trust me; people will know you’re lying between your gapped teeth. Don’t ask me how, they just can tell. They can see right through you, and in to your lying soul. It’s rather creepy actually. So don’t lie. It’s a sin anyway.
3) Lastly, if you are unable to summarize a story you will surely fail. No one will ever want to sit with you, or speak with you again. Things will be thrown at you; ANYTHING will be thrown at you. Sharp things even. Basically if you totally stink at paraphrasing, or summarizing just do us all a favor and never tell a story.
This is advice I give myself because I am one of those people. I can take a trip to the supermarket to get, I don’t know, tomatoes, and turn it in to an hour long rant about how retarded it is that they don’t have more cashiers on hand. Or, I’ll tell you EVERYTHING that happened while I was buying to the tomatoes.
“You see, I went in to the supermarket and the doors! Oh-my-gosh the doors, they just open for you. Isn’t that so cool? It’s like they can sense you or something! Anyway then I took a flyer, Heinz ketchup was on for 2.50$ a bottle. That’s such a bargain don’t you think? Then I took a green basket, because a cart is way to big to just get tomatoes. Then I saw that they had my favorite brand of shampoo on sale. I was so ecstatic..”
By this point half of my audience has ditched. In fact, I can see them running like hell and ducking behind book shelves. But like the smart person I am, I continue. Even though my good friends who’ll always stick by my side are staring in to space, or wearing the most “omg, get me the hell out of here” looks.
So you see this is how I’ve come to the clever and quite mature conclusion that I am simply not cut out for the world of novel writing. I’m not cut out for the world of telling stories, period.
I think this long update which really had no relevance is quite the example of my poor story telling skills.
I’m glad however that I could prove my point, and therefore persuade you to put your hope in other aspiring novelists.
The kind, who, you know, can actually do a cartwheel.
Salam
4 Comments:
I can write novels!!!
:D hehehe
The past four entries on your blog are all about how much you think you suck. I don't know why you have that need to put yourself down constantly. If writing is not your strong point, perhaps you have other talents within you. Dormant at the moment, but you just have to find out what they are. Surely there is something you can potentially excel at.
I really feel upset when you go on about how dumb you think you are, and how fat, and how etc etc. Why are you so negative about yourself? From what you've told me, your friends (including myself) tell you to stop putting yourself down, that all the negative ideas you have about yourself are utter BS, but you keep doing it. Are you waiting for someone to validate you? I hope not. Especially if that someone is The Male(tm) who will magically raise your self-worth with his attention. I don't know how to get it through your head that you're a sweet, beautiful and capable person, you just have to believe you are. (And you really should stop reading teen novels about insecure females). If you keep telling yourself that you're turdworthy, then hell yes you're going to turn out that way.
>:[ !!!!!!!!
I love you Minita. I get mad at you when you do this.
Assalamu alaikum helwa!!!!
Ok so the last time I checked your blog was in the middle of November and you hadn't updated it in such a long time, therefore I haven't been quick to revisit. I miss ya Mina!!!!
I'm glad to see you posting on your blog again...back to your intriguing and funny posts. For as little you think of your story telling talents and writing skills, I think you are truly blessed with a talent to capture an audience and entertain them. If your goal is to be a novelist, I have no doubt in my mind that you can achieve that goal. Keep your head chica!
I got your voicemail today but I didn't answer when you called because unfortunately I'm very sick and lost my voice. However, send me the new email so I can change the email in my address book. love ya!!! Keep posting.
oh and I changed blog addy.
Alaykum Wassalam,
D.D= Since when? Oh yah, that's right, I get it. Ha ha ha. lol ;p
Bibah= I apologize that my posts are filled with me beating myself up. Honestly I do it because I like to laugh at things, even if they include me, and my faults.
I'm sure i'll find a better talent out there insha'Allah. And honestly I love ya so much, you're such an awesome big sister and friend. But don't worry I'll start beating on other people I even bought a steel bat in celebration. j/k
Love ya and hugs!
Odizzle= It's def. been a while and I've missed you. I will stop by your cool blog and I will leave a cool comment. I love ya loads and thanks so much for your encouraging words.
All= I love ya all, and wallahi thanks for your comments. Sorry i didn't write more, I'm kind of tired. lol
Post a Comment
<< Home