Skinny Jeans Have Led To An Influx of Nightmares

Question: what’s the deal with these skinny jeans? I mean, really, what’s this world coming to?

First we have war, which is the “in” thing right now. Yes, you read right, tens of thousands of people dieing needlessly is just as chic as buying a new pair of skinny jeans. Why People magazine hasn’t rated it as one of its top ten “most in” things at the moment is still a puzzle in my mind.

Now war is bad, I mean war is just plain old horrifying but even though that haunts my dreams a new thing has decided to creep in along with it; the fact that guys are wearing a pair of pants that most women shouldn’t even dream of wearing. So that and war is completely cutting in to my sleep time, which really gets me mad, and has therefore led me to write a darn rant on the whole issue; which trust me is not a good thing for either of us.

In case you’re a guy and don’t know what skinny jeans are I took the liberty of employing my awesome artistic skills and drew you all a picture. Now you can get a better idea of just exactly I’m going on about.

The Skinny Jean:












There you have it –can you believe some critics have compared my work to such artists as Van Gough? I was totally flattered, but please, the guy killed himself so at least compare me to Monet! - the tight, no air, accentuates fat thighs, possibility of ripping when you bend, tacky, way to bring back the eighties jeans.

They really look like that too, and I added the red pumps because oh-my-God, red is so the new white!

Anywho…

Right, so now you take those jeans, and you slap them on a guy and what do you get? Well chip, you get the epitome of gay. Honestly, I don't even think they sell skinny jeans in the mens department which means two things: 1) You shop in the womens department and 2) you're a total drag queen, so hot my friend.

Seriously, what guy does that to themselves? And please, I’m quite sure not everyone person that passes by wants to see your thighs or package made so damn obvious, especially if you don’t look like Hiritik Roshan! There are some things best left to the imagination –though why I would like to imagine some guys thighs hasn’t be made clear to me as of yet. I’ll get back to you when I’m more certain- kind of like High School Musical…why the hell did that movie win any awards, was I the only one not on crack when I watched it on the Disney channel? I get the fact that it’s a musical and all, but seriously, it made me want to give up on life right then and there.

Back to the jeans…

So I really get the whole “individualization” of society, or rather, of the youth. I mean, that’s a deep and profound movement people.

“Say no to conformity! Say no to good grades! Say no to chilling on a Friday night just watching a movie, and hellllllllllo to our little friend the joint. Oh and say no to conformity…did I say that already? I don’t remember because I’m sooo high right now.”

I mean, heck yeah, look at what a lot of youth stand for. It’s totally about being your own person and not following along like everyone else. Make your own style.

You want to be deep, mournful, and gothic. Dude, then do your thing, just don’t forget you have to be serious and remember you’re being an individual. Go for the gold, you’re a tortured artist.

You want to go all hardcore x-games maniac or just the plain old Tony Hawk thing? Then don’t forget that you have to be high, so be extra cool and carry a joint with you –can we say automatic friend magnet? - also remember you can’t get a hair cut for the next year, because then you just aren’t down like all them other cool x-gamers –and naturally you want to give off this air that you don’t give a flying hoot about what people say. You want to be all zen, like those Californian surfer dudes.

You want to be punk? Then the skinny jeans apply to you. You’re in to all that music that others don’t have the common courtesy to remember, like The Ramones or Guns and Roses. You my friend are what keep the music alive! However why you want to suffocate your jewels is beyond me. Hey, who am I to judge, it’s all about being an individual after all.

You don’t conform to what everyone else does; you do your own thing…sort of like everyone else, but not really because you got the neon pink Vaans while I just follow along blindly and buy Puma’s.

Nonetheless, I see the guys in the skinny jeans, being all individual and stuff like that, and I just can’t help but wonder: Why? Seriously man, what’s wrong with regular jeans? Oh, wait, sorry forgot am I breeching the non-conformist act.

Hey what ever does it for you; I’m not going to tell you to take them off. But come on, most women shouldn’t even be wearing them (I’m not being a shape-ist I’m being a realist) and you’re going around like you still have all your marbles –you know the ones that weed hasn’t yet destroyed.

I just can’t help but wonder if when you’re older and living at Louis’s Motel that you’ll look back on today and think: “What the hell was I thinking?” After which you’ll forget because you just saw a magical bunny run passed your window and you have to go follow him “because he’s late”, word of advice, don’t follow the pretty bunny down the hole.

Salam